| March 15, 2000 | Ray Santamaria's "Starwhore" Email About our Scour Lunch |
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An email my friend Ray sent out after our starstudded Scour lunch today at The Newsroom: -----Original Message----- From: "Ray" Sent: Wednesday, March 15, 2000 5:09 PM To: the Scour peeps Subject: Starwhore Newsletter #2 Circulation, 11 Dear Reader, I hope you enjoyed the first edition of the Star Sighting Newsletter, now titled, Starwhore Newsletter. In addition, please be aware that I spoke out of turn by providing the URL of Starwhore.com. Unfortunately, as luck would have it, it's taken. While I'm negotiating the purchase of Starwhore.com (I don't usually have $15 mil in my bank) you can reach us at Starwhore.org. Anyway, we have a fun filled Newsletter for you that I'd like to call "Five Finger Discount." Read on and enjoy! Ray Santamaria Editor In Chief, Starwhore.org Five Finger Discount It was all about five today. I checked my horror scope, but no numbers. What is the meaning of five today? My soul was searching for the truth as I hopped into the car with my four friends for our secret rendezvous at the inconspicuous Newsroom Cafe. As the five of us (hmmm, five...) walked in, my heart, among other things, began to pound as the first female I noticed in the place was none other than Superman's girlfriend herself, Lois Lane. No, not crazy Margot Kidder. She's off in an alley somewhere bumming Prozac. I'm talking about sexy, anorexic Terri Hatcher. I had no idea who the dweeb was, but who's looking? For a split second we looked at each other. There was something in our gaze. Something unsaid passing between us. I don't think she really knew it was me who farted. In my starstruck haze I realized I left my wallet back at HQ. Drats! A starwhore's worst nightmare! One of my cohorts said he would cover me. No problem. We went to sit down. But wait! Was this the day of Super Heroes? Wonder twin powers, activate! Make me into the shape of...Batman! Against the back wall of the cafe was none other than Batman himself, Michael Keaton! Wait a second! Michael...Terri. Does Superman know about this? Sure, they were at different tables, but c'mon! Coincidence? At the table, another peep of mine mentioned the Jack Frost movie that Michael Keaton did. I punched him and threw ice down his shirt for even bringing that up. I told him he should go apologize to Michael for even seeing the movie. Whatever. But, Jesus, he is losing his hair isn't he? Blah, Blah, Blah. Yeah, I forgot, that punk rock kid from Son of Sam was waiting next to us for a table. Adrian Brody. What's he done lately? He was waiting for a table just like us. Puleeeeeze. So, my secret agent team and I enjoy our meal and try to hide our identities by not looking around the room too much. The key to being incognito is to avoid eye contact. It was working till I noticed a young man in dark sun glasses and a tacky suit. He looked like he was in the mob, or even in the CIA pretending to be in the mob. My crew and I pondered the possibilities only to realize its Michael Imperioli (loose cannon "Christopher" on the Sopranos). Wow. He really gets into character, doesn't he? Didn't he have something to do with Son of Sam? Another colleague says he was a writer.Hmmm. Coincidence? We also saw Michael on the way out of the garage. He got into the back of a Nissan Altima. Hmmm. His character recently got shot. Coincidence? Just when you think it's over, it's not. We're eating. Having a good conversation. There's this woman at the table across from us. She's facing me. Why won't she look at me?Ê I'm wearing Maharishi! I put product in my hair this morning! What gives? Probably a dyke! Whoa! It is! It's Sandra Bernhart! I won't hold it against her. As you can see, it was a very exhausting lunch. Five secret agents who had their privacy invaded by five stars (and two Internet geeks).What can you do? I'll tell you. Get your lunch for free, beeeee-aaaaaahtch! Labels: famous, la, losangeles, scour posted by Jess Barron @ 6:00 PM 
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